| |- Tuesday, December 09, 2003 -| |
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snorky @ 11:00 AM #
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I was happy for a time. I had someone. I was comfortable. This was part of the reason I didn't come back here. It now seems that I may be disappearing again for different reasons as I can't find any motivation to write anything.
For two days I had thought my world had ended. I hurt a lot. Didn't get much sleep. Cried. It felt like I had lost a limb. I didn't know what to do or where to go. She was my compass. How was I supposed to go on now. There was no absolution. It was a "not right now" situation where she still had to deal with an old relationship where she still had feelings. Not much I can do about that. All I could do was sit back and evaporate.
I tried everything. I poured my heart out. Nothing would work. My biggest fear began to approach. I realised that I was going to be alone again. At this point being alone was just a distant memory but it all started flooding back. How would it feel to have no plans when I got home from work? How would it feel to have an empty bed again with nobody to roll over and hug? What would it be like to see the stuff she still had at my place? A lunchbox, a muffin tray, a few hair ties and bobby pins. Would they stay there forever? Would she ever be around again to pick them up?!
Thinking about all of these things just made it worse. Everything hurt. How was I supposed to ever sleep again. I felt as though I had nobody to talk to. Eventually I began to talk. I guess it helped. But as I spoke it kept hitting me harder and harder that this is over. Nothing can repair the damage. The details would take to long to explain but the worst feeling in the world is when you accept that it is finished and never to be revived.
I had forgotten but now remember how I dealt with the loneliness. Currently i'm in a place where nothing can touch me. A place that consumes all that plagues me. It would be wrong to say that I feel better or that I feel worse, it would be more correct to say that I feel less.
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snorky
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| |- Friday, November 14, 2003 -| |
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snorky @ 12:43 PM #
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How's it kids! I've got a knee brace thingy holding my left knee together now. Not that it was falling apart but I just can't think of any other way to explain it. I feel like an enhanced human. I'm so close to making machine noises as I walk across the office.
*gshzzzt gshzzzt gshzzzt gshzzzt*
[Me using monotone robot voice]
Me: "What are your orders human?"
Boss: "Get back to work, retard!"
Me: "Affirmative. Returning to my work station."
Hey go check this place out, grouphug.us, it's fun for a laugh.
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snorky
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| |- Thursday, November 13, 2003 -| |
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snorky @ 3:23 PM #
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snorky @ 11:01 AM #
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Wow, believe it or not i'm back again for another day. Still haven't made any interesting choices yet... Meh!
So how has everyone been? Good I hope. I hurt my knee last friday and it's still hurting. I'm thinking of going to see a GP about it today but i've never been to one in Sydney and i'm not sure where to go. Guess i'll just try the phone book like most other people huh!
Work has been a bit of a drag lately. I have to develop some crazy multi-lingual website with a content management system. I don't want to do it because it's too much work. Besides, i'm not really sure how to manage the multi-lingual side of things. Eh! This sucks.
Oh and there was this whole relationship thing that happened but i'll talk about that another time.
o_O
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snorky
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| |- Tuesday, November 11, 2003 -| |
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snorky @ 4:44 PM #
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Decisions
Decisions are funny things. Sometimes they're easy, sometimes they're hard. One thing that can be said as true is that you can never really be sure what your decision will result in. I'd like to think that no decision is wrong and that every choice you make leads up to the next choice, until you no longer have the ability to make decisions and it is this that I believe defines our lives. Whether what you decide results in something good or bad is irrelevant. You will always make bad choices. They promote change and growth. I'm sure this is something that everyone understands without even thinking about it, you can't be happy unless you've been sad, otherwise you'd never know what happy is and vice versa.
Decisions made and actioned:
- Start blogging again.
- Start using "Blogger" again and dump my shitty attempt at blog management.
- Create subdomain "majortool.clue-1.com".
- Move "majortool.blogspot.com" to "majortool.clue-1.com".
Decisions pending:
- Tell Orazzio to start using blogger again.
- Make new template for Major Tool.
- Question whether new name is required.
- Tell the whole world that i'm blogging again or keep it private.
The last of my pending decisions is the one that plagues me the most. Orazzio and myself began blogging together for no reason other than to get stuff out of our heads. The anonymity of blogging is it's greatest attraction for the both of us, i'd believe this to be true of most bloggers. The problem I face is that i'm not sure if i'd prefer to keep this as a journal to myself or to the world.
The only friend that knows I blog is Orazzio. I've wanted to tell my other friends but I know that there are consequences of that decision that I don't wish to face. One such consequence would be that I could no longer be open about subjects as that would reflect on how people see me. I'd begin to say less and less and eventually become boring because I don't want to hurt any of my friends feelings. I guess I could still be interesting without compromising any friendships but it means that I don't have creative freedom over something that I should. Otherwise what is the point.
Fuck this shit. Fuck i'm such a moaning bitch!
Merry tuesday everybody!
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snorky
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snorky @ 3:25 PM #
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Hey, check it out. Moved major tool to clue-1. That was fun wasn't it!
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snorky
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| |- Wednesday, April 02, 2003 -| |
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snorky @ 9:58 AM #
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