| |- Thursday, February 06, 2003 -| |
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snorky @ 8:16 AM #
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Relationships and draining.
Last saturday night I went out and about in this fine city of Sydney but not in the conventional sense. At approximately 8pm, west side of the Anzac Bridge a friend and myself met up with the Sydney Cave Clan with around 30 others for one of their "newbies" expo's.
I kind of knew what to expect. I'd been to the site and read through the articles. For about 18 months i've been meaning to attend one of these events. So I finally made it. First stop was the "THE FORTRESS". This is a 2.2km tunnel 20m underground and leads to the ocean. It's used to redirect water in the event of huge floods (these don't happen very often). Go check out the site for a full run down if you want.
The next stop was and abandoned reservoir near Balmain Hospital. This was fantastic. It was this huge underground cylinder approx 10m high and 60m wide. Every couple of metres there was a concrete pylon to support the roof. I wish I had taken my camera so I show everyone some cool pics. Maybe next time. This is a kind of "you had to be there story" but i'd have to encourge the more adventurous among you to give urban exploration a go.
Anyway, the group ended up going to another cool place but my friend and I piked it as she had to work early the next morning. As fate would have it, she didn't get much sleep.
My friend. I've mentioned her before and I expressed how happy I was that she has come back into my life. I can just, do stuff with her and it's great. However we have always only been friends. I could never really decide if a relationship beyond that would be a good thing. A decision had to be made. And at 2:05am last sunday morning, it was.
She came into my room and asked me if I was asleep. I was almost asleep but as any half asleep person says I replied "No no, i'm awake". Waking up from my stupper I was worried something had happened or she was ill or something but it turned out to be an intervention of sorts.
In retrospect it's probably a good thing that it happened and I admire her courage. She asked me what 'we' were. Were we just friends or trying to be something else? At first I couldn't answer. And after some bad dialogue and some freudian slips I explained to her I had always considered us to only be friends. The moment ended and she went back to her bed.
For the next 15 mins my thoughts began racing, trying to figure out why I couldn't persue a relationship with this person. She has so many qualities that I value in a partner yet something was missing. Could I really be as cliched as to say "it's not you, it's me". After I had gathered my thoughts I went to visit her so as to talk about it seriously.
For around 30 mins we exchanged thoughts that on any other occasion may have taken hours. I explained to her that in true male fashion that I bottle everything up and create extremely strong walls around my heart so it can never be hurt. And that in doing this I am excluding myself from some of the best experiences of my life. However, the walls are still hold strong. Perhaps it's because i've been single for so long i've just gotten used to it?! I feel like a defeated person even though my defenses have never waivered. It's a unique kind of pain. Very subtle. Hurts just enough to be noticed but not enough to change me. One day perhaps. Can guys and girls just be friends?
Worst of this is that I need to make sure this hasn't ruined our friendship. I value all of my friendships and i'm loyal to my friends. It just so happens though that she is one of the few friends that I can still go out and do things with. The rest of my friends are involved in there own relationships and usually don't have time for me.
Ultimately I am responsible for the person I am and only I can change me.
Places to go:
What Makes Money Make Money?
Ever wondered?!
Object Dock
Do you have friends that own a Mac and have OSX installed? Do you ever get jealous when they use their A-Dock to access their applications? Do you own a IBM/PC? Well my friends, you shall go without no longer. A company has created a program called ObjectDock that emulates these same functions and it looks and works great. Get it and play with it while it's still free.
Deskmod
This site has some really cool stuff in the wallpapers section. Check it out.
Oh and go check out those links that Orazzio posted.
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snorky
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| |- Wednesday, February 05, 2003 -| |
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orazzio @ 7:57 PM #
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Do not read this post if you are offended by swearing or you're a christian fundamentalist or you really dig Rock Hudson or whoever that almighty leader of this redncek cult is.
FUCK YOU GEORGE FUCKING BUSH AND ALL YOUR FUCKING FUCKED UP FOLLOWERS!
Places to go people you don't want to see,
http://www.sullivan-county.com/news/fundie_cults/
http://www.sullivan-county.com/identity/fundies_declare.htm
Phew, I feel better now. Thanks.
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orazzio
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orazzio @ 7:41 PM #
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Living with Christian Fundamentalists
I am seering. Hot angered and extremely wired. On the issue of George W Bush and his tribute to Hitler, I have found his propoganda machine driving to the heart of our international Western society maddening. Our society believes all the hype. That muslims are weird and wrong and different. That they should change to 'our' ways. Worse then this my own family are the epitome of Christian fundamentalism. They are tortured by the fact that Muslims are 'different' and believe whole hardly that Hussein is a threat to civilization and should be destroyed.
What they dont see is, and I speak on behalf of all christian fundamentalists aka KKK or whoever the fuck these shitty redneck compatriates of ours are, that Sadam may or may not be a threat and that George W Bush is the true madman.
He destroyed thousands of lives in Afghanistan so they could set up a puppet government for their own rule.Iin Sadam's words, they [the U.S] are taking over the world to control oil prices". And the star of South Park Bigger Longer Uncut can't be wrong. It was a blockbuster hollywood movie after all.
Bush compromised international war with strikes on the Afgan people. He basically put a bullet in your mothers head just becasue a terrorist lives in her country.
There are terrorists in Northern Ireland? Why not bomb there? There are terrorists in the U.S. why not bomb there? Bush is a prick. There is nothing short of self interest in this attack. It is premptive, Hitler style war.
Bin Landen still hasnt been proven to have anything to do with anything. Sadam still has done little to cross international laws.
The US signed treaties limiting their arms and have far exceeded these quotas. They admit freely to the international press that they have built up and updated there weapons - nuclear, air , land and water significantly. They have far 'better' arsenal then they had in Desert storm and are boasting about it. Then perhaps they should be attacked.
Countries break international laws all the time. Should we attack them? And take innocent lives? My country has been in breach of human rights for some time and continue to be so as we speak. I found out recently that the US are currently engaging in the same crimes agaisnt humanity. Only we never get it in our US based reporting here. Funny about that. But we do get lots saying muslim bad, Hussein bad, die Arabs etc?
We must learn from history and it is important to police countries and deal with countries where necessary. But countries can be disciplined in many ways before war should be an option must be declared. Bush declared war on September 11th 2001 and asked questions afterwards. He attacked an overuled a country without proof or reason. And he is on his way to doing it again.
Im not tree hugging hippy crap. But the fact that people are so stupid that television forms there opinons shit me beyond belief. There is more than one bad guy and there certainly arent any good guys. But ask yourself this question. If things got out of hand, and conscription started [for men AND women] would you give your life because another country may or may not posses a few out of date weapons (that your country definately posesses in tens of billions of dollars and tonage spread all over the globe) in one or two bunkers in their home land but hasnt told the UN?
You can die for that cause if you want. But I say, 'screw you guys, Im going home!'
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orazzio
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| |- Tuesday, February 04, 2003 -| |
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orazzio @ 11:48 PM #
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Driving without legs 3
There was never going to be a driving without legs three. But tonight the incredible happened. I went along to try and start playing basketball again. It had been many years since I enjoyed the big leagues and people chanting my name. I retired long ago when corruption overturned a points outcome and cost me a grand final berth. The game meant the world to me. It was my life. Most people dont understand this passion unless they have or ahve had a commitment of their own. The feeling that nothing else matters. That as long as you are somewhere on a court in this universe, that you can be grow, be great, be a better person and above all be happy. This kind of commitment is fed my an adrenlin that wakes you up in the morning and wont let you go to bed at night. It could be 3 am and you are still looking for a hoop. Practisicng moves in your bedroom or dribbling in the driveway. Its like light becomes a preciosu commodity and you crave every any light you can have. Its a magnet. Like a moth to the flame it carrys you and your ball at every oppurtunity.
Anyway it all ended. So did the biggest part of my life. Its hard to come down and be like every other donkey in a tie and in a dead end job. Its like coming down from a drug. And similarly, nothing can make you feel that kind of rush. Nothing.
Anyway its been many a year since I stepped on the pine and I have felt my age and my illness eat my life away for too long. I had to get some of that feeling back. I needed a hit. I decided to form some social basketball teams with some long time friends and hit the courts for one last stab before I leave the area forever. It wasnt the same drug, its morphine but it will still feel great.
So tonight it happened. I took some friends and my bum leg and went courtside as a distraction from life. I found myself able to take some shots and get some of that movement back. I couldnt run, but I could pivet and step and jog a bit favouring my good leg.
You know whats going to happen, but damn it felt good gettign there. Even on a leg and a half I was shutting people down, grabbing boards, driving, scoring getting stick backs. I was the diamond of our team and with a good leg could have taken the game over and owned it, somehting I never look to do in my style of play. My level of experience and talent seemed to overide the willingness and energy of the younger guys and it felt great to be good again.
It was only social and a low division at that but I felt like life was real again. Sometimes you feel like you are in a walking coma. I was invigorated and alive despite the most depressing of circumstances (emotional, not the leg). I could jump, and play d but I couldnt accelerate and I found out with ten minutes to go that i couldnt bend down.
I went for a loose ball and I bent down for it and my hamstring ruptured yet again. Its tensing up as I write this. I cant straighten it and I cant bend it. But its like all those inspiration cards that you read. If you arent on the edge then you are standing to close etc. Its true. Its better to live you life and get hurt (not permanently of course) then live that zombie existance I reffered to either. If life could always feel like this then true happiness could be defined by a simple action. 40 seconds on the game clock. One round leatherbound ball and a ten foot iron ring.
Game on.
Suffice to say that I will be back there in a few days time (perhaps watching for real this time) and every week after that as I bring back a dimension to my life lost to time. Passion.
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orazzio
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| |- Monday, February 03, 2003 -| |
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snorky @ 8:07 PM #
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Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
I'm sorry i haven't blogged for a bit but Orazzio seems to have been taking care of things while I was gone. I'm still searching for my muse so this blog isn't going to be anything exciting.
First on the agenda, John Edward (from Crossing over with John Edward). He recently began his tour of Australia and started in Sydney. Word on the street is that he doesn't work too well with the Australian audience. I think it's just that he is a fraud and sometimes it takes the most simple person to weed out the best of frauds. To here some of the dialogue that was exchanged during one of these sessions would make most people cringe. But you'd have to laugh at Mr Edward's ineptitude in handling the simplest of Aussies. In general we're not particularly smart nor dumb, we just don't know any better I guess. The crowd just didn't know how to play along like the people do on television.
Next, I watched the last episode of the X-Files and wasn't that impressed. To summerise:
- The conspiracy is true.
- Dec 22 2012 is when the aliens are going to invade.
- Mulder gives christianity a go.
You'd think after 9 seasons that they'd come up with something more interesting.
Now for the US pre-emptive attack on Iraq. Personally I don't want it to happen. If you could see what the Iraqi people have to deal with right now due to the United States' foreign policy you'd be appalled.
We've seen a spread of unidentified plant diseases in Iraq. A spread also of unidentified human diseases that had not been recognized before. And all of this is happening at a time when the Iraqi health system is completely crippled because of the ten-year sanctions. So, for example, with this rise of leukemia, Iraq does not even have morphine to ease the pain of the cancer victims nor does it have chemotherapy medicine and numerous other kinds of necessary cancer medicines to cure this increase in leukemia. And, with regards to birth defects, there is no cure for this dramatic rise in birth defects. Birth defects as abnormal as children being born without a brain, being born with deformed limbs, being born with no genitalia.
(source)
But then add random attacks to this and you'd have to see that the people of Iraq don't deserve this. I can't even see Saddam using weapons of mass destruction (WMD) if has them anyway. The US has made it abundantly clear that they will attack him because they think he has them but if he really has them and then proceeds to use them... just imagine what he'll be getting in return. Seriously, this guy isn't stupid. I think that the US and some other nations are scared that he'll jack up oil prices if he has WMD and then nobody can push him into lowering them again. I'm not saying I love Saddam and I want his children, for the most part he is a complete bastard, but he also wants to keep control of his country and it's oil.
Another thing worth mentioning is that I find a great deal of negativity poured on to the US in general but I have to make it clear that when I say US I am refering to the government not the people. I think this is the same for most people around the world but if it's not clarified it can be misunderstood as a personal attack on a US citizen.
Bush had started to verbally attack the UN recently and this pissed me off. He shouldn't be attacking them. They only want what is right, so does every other country in the world. He is trying to bully them in to an agreement. I'm sick of this "Your either with us or against us" bullshit. Also, I can't figure out what Tony Blair is getting out of his support. Maybe he is just getting a cut of the oil or something?!
So while i'm on this roll I should mention how absolutely fuck pathetic the KKK is! Other than the completely inbred design of the site it has this shit music that I think is meant to be some kind of brainwashing thing or something. These arse monkeys go on to state that:
If you are attempting to "convert" us don't bother. We are born-again Christians and intend to remain so. If you are also a Christian, but have been taught that race-mixing and homosexuality is cool and want to change our minds also, by engaging in long religious discussions - please check our book section instead for our religious point of view. You desperately need it and we don't have the time to engage in lengthy pen pal dialogues with close minded people.
Who the fuck are these shit burgers calling "close minded people". Fuck me! All this time and they tell me that i'm the small minded one. What is their fucking definition of "small minded"! They obviously have never attempted to read any part of an english dictionary or perhaps even the bible that they hold so dear. Here's another good one, you're going to love this one:
We are not trying to change America, but rather return it to it's original form.
So what I understand from that is that they are thinking of leaving the American continent and giving all the land back to the Native Americans. Brillant, when do they fucking leave! Shit these people shit me to tears!
This is a topic I could go on about for hours but i'll end up mumbling incoherent phrases about the end of civilization as we know it and that we have to build an embassy for the aliens when they arrive to take our souls to a higher plane of existence (I made that last part up but the rest is preached to be true).
Thanks for listening my friends.
Places to go:
The Rule of Unintended Consequences
A cool article about online file sharing of which I contribute to.
RIAA vs. MP3 vs. Adam Smith
A great breakdown on "the free market system of pricing" and music.
Google Dance
I never knew about this online phenomenon.
Undervaluing sex as the dating game picks up speed
Ok, i'm a sucker for a good article that analyses relationships.
The end of the internet
You're curious aren't you. Is there really an end to the internet. Well in fact there are millions of ends to the internet (you are one of them), but this site preaches to be the very end.
Google Keywords to try:
- skull and bones
- rael
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snorky
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orazzio @ 1:35 AM #
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SUPERHERO
sleep walking through the all-nite drug store
baptized in flourescent light
i found religion in the greeting card isle
now i know hallmark was right
and every pop song on the radio
is suddenly speaking ot me
art may imitate life
but life imitate's t.v.
ani difranco
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orazzio
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| |- Sunday, February 02, 2003 -| |
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orazzio @ 3:46 PM #
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Driving Without Legs (legless part 2)
For those of you who just tuned in, I am legless and a hundred kilomtres from home with a stick shift to get me there. One leg is rolling die's of blood down my leg while the other dangles painfully as a result of a ruptured hamstring.
I have to drive. I have no alternative. I can beg my leg and I cant strectch out my leg but somehow I have to manipulate a one and a half tonne sedan across not only the biggest city on the continent but across the long elastic arteries that bleed from the urban sprawl.
Getting in the car is quite an adventure. It taught me that automobile seats are pitched upwards inserting their firm curvature into your mid thigh, ironically where the hanstring muscle is found. They also have shoulders that you must negotiate to actually get your back into the seat. The pain seemed to have invented modern transport to accomodate its existance.
I managed to start the car whincing with an audacious pain in my right leg which not only required me to push an accelerator ( a rubber coated plastic or metal device that is linked to the throttle cable allowing the carbouretter intake to open and swallow fuel ) These accelerators are awfully resistant to a powerless apendage. And I had to house this pain with every take off, every traffic island, every set of traffic lights, every hill and of course the meandering amount push needed to move between said obstacles.
The pain reeked. It felt like I was driving a clutchless or gearless car. I begged people to let me in, prayed to god for lights to change and made promises with the devil that nobody would brake suddenly in excahnge for a pristine soul.
I apoligised to my parents for being a bad son, told my friends I would be more loving and donated my organs to my wife to be. Anything to get me through this. We are always apoligetic in pain as a species. We are sorry for everything, and I myself are a sorry person normally (in more ways than one) and I carry guilt like a bad tooth. It lives with me, works with me, plays with me and the hurt only seems to spread through the other teeth as I get older. Pain is like brand new forgiveness. An apology that is still freshly sealed in a crispy new vacuum bag. It is the most sobering experience in the world and gives perspective a meaning that dictionary's will never emulate.
I wasn't so sorry on this drive home. I was asking for sympathy if nothing else. I was trying to pyschicly bond with the motorists around me and hope for their discresion as I wove my way through a shreiking journey of gear changes, clutch depressions and accelerations. The human body which feels so lazy saddled in traffic works so hard yet we never appreciate it. I guess I picked my pinkie and realsied how much our pinkie does for it over the course of a day only it was a bloody big muscular pinkie that i walk on.
I was going to tell you more about the actual drive. The trucks pulling out in front of me as I stumbled upon hills, cars that wouldnt let me change lanes. Traffic lights that change in intervals only slow enough to make me stop first, even if I coasted all the way from the last set of lights. But instead I am going to tell you that I got there. Because that's what life is in the end isnt it. Its all about the journey, for better, for worse, for tradegy or triumph. But it feels awkwardly all worthwhile when you get there.
To E.
You may not read this, but I love you and you know who you are. And if I get there with you, every ounce of pain was worth it. Excuse the cliche but I would take a bullet in the truest sense because no pain is worth the pain of going through this circus sideshow called life without you.
xxxx
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orazzio
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