| |- Tuesday, December 09, 2003 -| |
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snorky @ 11:00 AM #
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I was happy for a time. I had someone. I was comfortable. This was part of the reason I didn't come back here. It now seems that I may be disappearing again for different reasons as I can't find any motivation to write anything.
For two days I had thought my world had ended. I hurt a lot. Didn't get much sleep. Cried. It felt like I had lost a limb. I didn't know what to do or where to go. She was my compass. How was I supposed to go on now. There was no absolution. It was a "not right now" situation where she still had to deal with an old relationship where she still had feelings. Not much I can do about that. All I could do was sit back and evaporate.
I tried everything. I poured my heart out. Nothing would work. My biggest fear began to approach. I realised that I was going to be alone again. At this point being alone was just a distant memory but it all started flooding back. How would it feel to have no plans when I got home from work? How would it feel to have an empty bed again with nobody to roll over and hug? What would it be like to see the stuff she still had at my place? A lunchbox, a muffin tray, a few hair ties and bobby pins. Would they stay there forever? Would she ever be around again to pick them up?!
Thinking about all of these things just made it worse. Everything hurt. How was I supposed to ever sleep again. I felt as though I had nobody to talk to. Eventually I began to talk. I guess it helped. But as I spoke it kept hitting me harder and harder that this is over. Nothing can repair the damage. The details would take to long to explain but the worst feeling in the world is when you accept that it is finished and never to be revived.
I had forgotten but now remember how I dealt with the loneliness. Currently i'm in a place where nothing can touch me. A place that consumes all that plagues me. It would be wrong to say that I feel better or that I feel worse, it would be more correct to say that I feel less.
.:
snorky
:.
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